Who Am I?

I lure you towards me,
I control your day.

You'd be all over the place if you didn't have me,
I'm a necessity, I daresay.

I can be chunked up, or one whole thing,
I tell you whom you need to email or whom to ring.

I know you're running out of milk and bread,
I know I'm the one thing you dread.

I'm emotionless and void of feelings.
So, stare at me all you want, or pretend I don't exist.

Who am I?
I'm none other than your to-do list!

Old Friend, New Friend

Meeting a childhood acquaintance after 16 years,
Is like...
A hazy gateway to the past.

Years gone by.
Memories lost and found.

Not a hazy gateway,
But in disguise...
A road paved of a new friendship that is forever to last.

Exchange Place

I love river-side or sea-side waterfronts. I don't know - I guess it's a Mumbai thing. Staring out at the rolling waves gushing against shore brings a calming feeling. Being at the shore allows me to collect my thoughts, think about them rationally, and nitpick my way through the pros/cons of a situation in front of me.

Exchange Place. Some people might only know this as a train station - but to me, this place is serenity defined. The NYC landscape is a stone's throw away from the waterfront - and being one step away from lower Manhattan compluses me to think if I really belong there or not.

The very first time I visited this place was years ago in November '03. It was extremely chilly out because I remember shivering a tiny bit. Can't remember exactly what it was that drew me towards the water - but the effect of this attraction-at-first-sight still remains. Ever since then, throughout my college years, this is one place that I've visited when I'm either sad, confused, or frustrated.

About three years ago, I interned at a firm located at Exchange Place. After the drag and drone of the usual workday, I automatically drifted near the waterfront and walked to my heart's content before catching the train home. I used to walk all the way to this one corner - where the pathway basically ends - and stood there gazing out, contemplating what exactly it was that I wanted from life. Months have rolled into years, and I still haven't found the answer to that question.

I visited my much loved sanity space again today, after many many months. I did my usual routine - walk it out, sit, walk to the corner where the pathway ends and stare out at the Hudson as it extends beyond the bridge in sight. The sunny evening reliquinshed itself to twilight. The crowd started thinning out a bit and so did my restlessness. The frustration melted away. The glass was half-full again.

I'm still unable to express what it is in this half a mile of stretched concrete embracing the Hudson - but trust me, it keeps me sane.

Memories, Untouchable...

When I close my eyes today and think back to my college days, I feel an ache, a longing for the times gone by. The campus. The classes & professors. The study sessions. The plaza. That one black bench on the plaza which was my favorite spot. Law Library. Yummy cappuccinos at the local mom & pop stores. Student Government meetings. Indian Association meetings. Dance practices. Holi Shows, Diwali Shows. Garbas. Aloo Tikkis and Mota Ravi's (names of sandwiches) from the 'Taj Mahal' truck. Dunkin' Donuts trips. Hoboken. The 5-hour conference calls that started at midnight :-) ... I can go on forever, I think.

The day used to start and never end without a navrapanti session (read: passing time) with 6 of my friends. We called ourselves 'The Gang'. The campus was our home and we walked on the streeets as if we owned them. We fought, we argued - but at the end of the day - we made up.

It's been two years - but I still remember the littlest of things and the smallest of incidences. A always used to have his laptop with him - and I always snatched it away wanting to either listen to music (while writing research papers) or to check email, or to read news, etc. D undoubtedly needed help with his English term papers. I miss sitting with a red pen in one hand, a cup of coffee in another and going through his paper line by line to sift for spelling errors (he made plenty of those :-) ). C always charmed my day with a teddy bear smile, B with her silliness (which drove me to my wit's end sometimes) and I remember that M kept us alive and kicking through study sessions by bringing food. And - no matter what happened, V and I always made trips to the campus store to buy 'mini cupcakes', coffees and Aloo Tikkis.

Here I am, two years later, typing out this embarrasingly emotional post and reminiscing these times gone by. What would I give up right now to be with 6 of my friends on The Plaza? I don't know. What I do know is that change happens - and it happens for the good - but why am I not in terms with this change in my life? After all, it's only been two years. Why this ache, this pang for the times gone by? Why this feeling that I've lost something very important to me?

Come to think of it, maybe I've gained something out of this loss. Maybe I've gained a collection of memories that can never be tarnished, that can never be touched. Those four years of my life were just perfect.

Heart-breakingly, achingly, perfect.

You Are Here

Why can't life be mapped out for us? I mean, think about it - you're at the mall, you see a map with a crystal clear red sign saying 'You Are Here'. Wouldn't life be tremendously easy if someone told us this is where you are - and this is the road you need to take if you want to go here? Wouldn't it be easy to know the unknowns ahead of time?

The most unpredictable of all things is life itself. Plan all you want, but you never know what's coming.

Looking back in retrospect,
The choices seem to be right.
Looking ahead, I realize,
It's a very fuzzy sight.
I'll try this, and I'll go that way,
All the while hoping, I don't go astray.

Relentless Journey

The journey is borne
When you throw your cap in the air,
And party the night out.

At a glance,
The road ahead looks lit by success,
And paved with opportunity.

You start walking,
And along the road,
Are rocks of hardwork,
Boulders of long hours,
Pebbles of frustration,
And bricks of satisfaction.
There's twigs of silly moments
Where your questions get laughed at,
And trees of proud moments,
Where someone says 'I like your idea on that!'

You think it'll end,
But it never does!
Endless and relentless,
Day in, day out,
This walk continues forever.

The View

I don't have a super-great view from the office - but here's a little description of what I see from my desk :-)

Skyscrapers and the construction drone,
The hustle, bustle, and traffic,
Endless lego-like tower of buildings,
Shape up lower Manhattan.

And then, in between those tall, rigid, lifeless towers,
The Hudson embraces the island.
Calm, serene, peaceful,
The Lady Liberty looks at us with disdain.

College Life

I was clearing out my college notebooks the other day, and this is what I found written on the back of one of them. I vaguely remember writing it on the last day of my last semester in college...

I just met a friend,
In the cafeteria
And that reminded me,
of my college euphoria!

Four years of college passed by,
With the blink of an eye
And all I'm left with,
Are the memories that will never die.

First year in college was the time,
To explore, laugh, play and rejoice
Second year was the time,
To make the right career-choice.

Third year brought many ups and downs,
With a million smiles and a few frowns
But this was the year of absolute elation,
Because everyone knew that we were nearing graduation!
Project reports to campus interviews,
Presentations to final reviews
Doing the right thing was on everyone's mind,
As long as we would surpass the college grind!

Everything is still fresh in my mind,
Wish life could just rewind
I want to explore, laugh, play, and rejoice,
Without having to worry about the right choice.

Today was the last day of classes,
I arrived on campus, trying to find myself in the masses
Pushing through the crowd, I saw a glimpse,
Of that 'first-year' me, with an innocent tint!

Before I know it, I'll be aged,
And I'll remember my good ol' days from college,
Sitting and relaxing, playing golf and pool,
I'll be saying .. "College is fun, freaky and cool!"

Beautiful Backyard

They stand tall,
Showing off,
Colors and hues - one of a kind.

They know the leaves will gradually part,
Revealing the bare beauty beneath,
They feel the coming of the snowy winters,
When all is serene.

Yet, even after knowing what's ahead,
They stand tall, happy, and smiling,
Filling me with awe, as I watch these colors compete.

PS: I jotted this down as I was viewing the gorgeous array of fall colors in my backyard!

Ups and Downs

One of my lunch-time musings!

Gazing out the window,
Reflecting on years bygone;
Thinking of moments,
Happy and sad;
Thinking of times,
Good and bad.

Then I realize,
Downs should not be forgotten,
For they are a reminder of the ups that came after...
Blissful moments should not be forgotten,
For they form the memories, we cherish forever.

Food for Thought

I like collecting quotes that are both catchy and meaningful. Grey's Anatomy is one of my favorite shows - and the following is from one of the episodes where Meredith's character is narrating -

Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.

It's a great play on words and I think the essence of it is quite true. Should you abide by the rules or break them? Should you live with the rules that your surroundings encompass, or should you make your own?

Some decisions are are hard. Tough life.

Umm, who're you?

It's funny how 'segregated' our own personalities can sometimes become. Who I am from from work separates me distinctly from who I am when I'm amidst friends and family. And what adds to this - it happens subconsciously!

I was discussing this with one of my friends the other day - and we were saying how people like actors and ventriquolists might be dealing with it. When filming for a movie, is it ever difficult for them to step out of the skin of their 'characters' and step in to their 'own' skin? Do ventriquolists forget what their voices sound like after a while? Can this really happen?

It's strange - funny strange - the things that we do to ourselves sometimes.

India Calls...

The following came to my mind, after I spoke with my grandma this morning...

A weekend call back home,
To Aaji every Sunday,
Takes me back in time,
Reminds of what I've left behind,

She speaks of all our relatives,
She speaks of all her friends,
She talks about the spoiled kids,
She talks about the chores the baai never did.

She asks the routine questions,
Inquires about everyone,
She tells me what she's cooking for dinner tonight,
And I can't help but think about the things I've left behind.

Amidst all this,
In between her words,
I feel the warmth of her hug,
I taste the spice in her Amti,
I see the smile on her face,
I hear nothing,
But the one thing she's saying...
"Come back soon, I want to see you..."